another me

I started writing this poem a few months ago, but only got a couple of verses in before my attention wandered to other projects. This morning, with my depressive head screwed firmly on, I finished it.

another me

Lost Sadness

in another life
when i was another me
i wore perfume every day
dressed in heels
femininity bubbling
i spoke to people and
looked in their eyes

in another life
when i was a lighter me
i smiled for
no reason
my body zinged with
energy and zeal
a social butterfly rarely

in another life
when i was a confident me
i went out at night
and partied well
until the
came and glued me to the wall
like a fly breaking its wings
on sticky paper

in another life
when i was a happier me
i had parents and
they told me of their lives
dad’s love of music
mum’s love in her arms
a kiss atop my head
filled with love and

in another life
when i still had a fraction of me
i had identities
a daughter
titles erased
leave bottomless holes

in this life
which is losing the last of me
i watch the world
as it dances around my edges
but i’m all out of moves
i’ve been hiding so long
i’m not really here any more

A Childhood Lost


stopdomestic violence

a childhood lost


the t u m b l e





stone wall

draws me nearer

it’s years since i’ve

dared to stand before

this house

d a n c i n g  leaves perform

a show of  s








s h a d o w s

hypnotic silhouettes

teasing me in




the uncared-for, splintery door

as though reflecting my thoughts

a vast

looming storm cloud

st ea ls

the sunlight from the a i r

leaving only a vestige of a time long

g o n e

i step into the past and

wonder if i should be here

light and darkness mingle

dotting the interior

with sepia sadness

i loved this home

i hated this home

stairs creak under my weight

still i take them

one by o n e

light headed,


i know i must do this

to regain


so i ascend

to the height of my





and i’m greeted by


peek-a-boo shadows

a childhood lost

i glance inside the

dusky remnants of

The Room,

and that is


i turn

i leave


the suffocation ends

my lungs expand

and light once more suppresses


Missing Mum



It was the annual Christmas Party on my Mum’s side of the family yesterday. Mum was one of ten children (eleven in total, but one died age three months), so I have a lot of cousins. Consequently, each year, we have a Christmas Party and a Summer BBQ. It’s a lovely tradition, and one I have always looked forward to.

This year, I found myself feeling sad, though. The older I get, the more of Mum’s siblings are no longer here. Only five remain, and one of those lives in Australia. My cousins are all married with grown up children, and a lot of them have moved away.

Yesterday, only sixteen people came to the party. In one way, it was nice because I hate being amongst too many people. The smaller number meant it was easier to talk to people. But Mum’s loss felt huge. It always does. She died in April 2012, so it’s not my first Christmas without her. I should be used to her loss. I think, maybe, I was already feeling sad before I went yesterday. Something inside made me sad, and I felt old and like my life is going nowhere, and like all the good bits have gone forever. Old feelings, for me. But I wished they had stayed away yesterday.

After losing Uncle Rob in August this year, I’ve felt like Mum’s family (and my connection to her) is disappearing. Which, I know, isn’t true. I worry about my Auntie Beryl. She’s always been my favourite. She and Mum were next to each other in line of birth, and they spoke two or three times every day on the phone and saw each other once a week. Plus, she is the kindest, most generous person you could ever meet. She’s seventy-four and has a better social life than me! She’s always on the go. But I worry about her. She’s had two heart attacks in the past.

I didn’t intend to write this post today. I had a story all ready to paste into here, but my fingers had another idea. I guess, what I’m trying to say is, don’t take those you love for granted. Love them and hug them and laugh with each other. Spend precious times like Christmas together. The company of loved ones is so much more important than presents and Christmas lunch. Enjoy the time together, make memories you can fall back on when you have the mean reds.

I will share this poem with you, though, in an attempt to brighten the mood a little:


The Silver Trousers

The moment I dreaded was finally here,
My auntie’s house, full of festive cheer,
With twinkling eyes, she gave me my gift,
Uncomfortably, on the spot I did shift
“Open it now,” she said with a grin,
“Show everyone what you find within,”
Smiling back I carefully unpeeled
the paper, saw the present, I reeled,
Silver trousers, shining bright
I had to shield my eyes from their light,
“How festive,” my dear husband said
“You should try them on, go ahead,”
Grimacing, I climbed the stairs,
Into the bedroom, I sat on the chair,
One leg first, then the other,
They fit perfectly, “Oh bother!”
In trepidation, I rejoined the crowd,
My husband actually laughed out loud,
I shot him a look that plainly said,
When we get home, my love, you are dead.

Sliver Trousers